Do you think that sometimes, your partner just isn’t reciprocating your kindness towards you? Well, it may not be what you were expecting, but you need to lower your expectations.
Well what do I mean by lower your expectations?
I’m not saying that you should just settle and be with someone who treats you terribly.
What I am saying is that you need to stop holding your standards for things to your partner. Stop expecting them to behave a certain way because you did something nice for them.
It’s unfair to have expectations for them because of a decision you made.
I’m guilty of this too
This is more so for me than it is for anyone else. I’m really familiar with the idea of having unrealistic expectations for partners, because it’s something I actually have done a lot in the past.
For example, I would say that I try to be very positive and nice about almost everything. As a naturally agreeable person, I’m usually pretty indifferent about things and can let my partner have their way a lot of the time.
The issue is, I’ll recall a time where I was nice, and think ‘why don’t they consider that whenever things seem in my favour? I mean, I’m nice all the time, why can’t they do the same?’
Well, the short answer is that they’re not me.
Why does it happen?
I think we all have a tendency to have experienced fairness and equality in our lives.
We know what it feels like when things are fair and balanced, and we know how it feels when the scales are tipped to one side.
Whenever we are nice to people, or do things for them, we have a natural tendency to remember those things. So, when something unjust happens, we bring them up as a shield to protect ourselves from the situation.
It ends up creating this feeling of almost ‘forced fairness’, where we think that because we did something nice, we should expect something nice in return.
This thinking completely eliminates the act of kindness and it actually becomes more like manipulation. And let me tell you, manipulation has no home in a relationship.
What to do when you start having unfair expectations
As I’m clearly no expert in this, I can’t give any actual proper advice. But, I can share with you what I do.
The first thing I always do is remind myself that I am a different person than my partner. I tell myself that it was my decision to do that, and it’s unfair to expect anything in return because that was done out of self-will and kindness.
I’ve also put a bit more thought into what I ask of my partner, because I understand that those asks, may just be very particular from me. It’s unfair to think that something should happen just because I want it to.
In conclusion
I know I made it sound kind of ridiculous to have expectations in a relationship, but truth be told, it’s probably in every single relationship, in some way.
There probably isn’t a perfect relationship where two people both don’t have any expectations for the other person.
Well, maybe very successful people and their partners.
But for the rest of us normal people, I think it’s always going to be a work-in-progress. It’s hard to completely not have expectations for your partner, because that’s why we’re with them in the first place.
We idealized them at some point, thinking they were perfect, and will be the perfect fit for who we are, always meeting our expectations.
I think the best thing we can do, is just love the other person. To continuously love the other person, regardless of whether they meet your expectations or not, is probably the best thing for any relationship.
Do you have unrealistic expectations for your partner?
Let me know in the comments!
If you’d like, you can read my previous article on my trip down memory lane.
You can also check out similar articles in the advice corner.
I also write for Medium and a publication called P.S. I Love You.
Thank you so much for reading.
Love always,
Alex
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