Keep relationship issues in the relationship | handling relationship problems

What comes along with a healthy, loving relationship is an unforeseen list of relationship issues. Some are common and some not so common. However, amongst them all, one of the ones that I’ve found almost near destructive, actually doesn’t seem that bad.

Yes, I am referring to discussing your relationship issues with other people outside of the relationship, i.e. friends, coworkers, etc.

Let me paint you a picture:

Let’s say you had a disagreement with your partner. One of you isn’t okay with the other constantly hanging out with their friends of the opposite sex.

In this specific instance though, your partner has done the very thing you’re being accused of, so it seems unfair for them to be upset about this.

You try to have a calm, open discussion about the situation but what ends up happening is the emotions come in. Things your partner says starts rubbing you the wrong way and your point gets mistaken.

Soon, you’re arguing about a few different things, unable to keep track of the original conversation and why you were fighting in the first place.

After arguing and clearly disagreeing for a good 45 minutes to an hour, you decide to both take a break and cool off from the conversation.

Instead what ends up happening, is both people go to their respective best friends, and rant.

Your partner goes on a tangent about why you’re not being considerate of their feelings and you talk your friends ear off about how hypocritical your partner is being.

So, what’s the problem?

It doesn’t seem like a big issue at first, but overtime, it will snowball into a destructive monster in your relationship until ultimately, it can no longer be stopped.

I noticed it a couple of years ago in my last relationship.

I was venting to one of my best friends about another reoccurring issue in the relationship and my friend not only listened, but gave great advice.

The problem is, when the next issue came along, my friend only had the previous conversation as a point of reference.

Now, when things are good in a relationship, you’re not going to run to all your friends and tell them every single good thing. However, when you’re in a bad mood, a common first instinct is to go to friends to seek comfort.

As you can imagine, my friend was more able to remind me of past fights than celebratory occasions in the relationship. He had also formulated a negative perception of my partner. Granted, it wasn’t entirely a bias, but it’s clear how my ranting has given him the information he needed to have an opinion.

I know not every relationship is like this, but when we make complaining or ranting a common habit of a relationship, the constant negative association can easily lead to sabotaging the relationship.

Why you shouldn’t complain about your relationship issues?

A relationship between two people is just that. When we involve other people, we give them an invitation into our relationship.

It’s the equivalent of giving someone else a few pieces of information and asking them to make an executive decision for a company. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Yes, others have different perspectives when it comes to relationships, but it’s important to remember that it’s a whole different person.

When we talk about our relationship issues with other people, we end up convincing ourselves why we were right in the first place.

We’re telling our side of the story, so obviously, we’ll leave out some important details that may make us contradict our point.

Since the people in your life love you, they want to protect you. They want what’s best for you and they hate to see you upset.

And so, since they’ve only heard negative things, naturally, they’ll fuel the conversation with some past examples. They’ll agree with you and remind you of why you’re awesome and ‘why you deserve better.’

You’re essentially looking for someone to agree with you on why you were right in the argument.

Similar to a fire, finding others to agree with you is the same as finding fuel or wood for a fire. The more you add to it, the bigger the flame will be.

Maybe that’s where the term ‘fighting fire with fire’ comes from.

How you should handle your relationship issues instead

When it comes to love and relationships, everyone has a different approach. More importantly, everyone has had different experiences and partners.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a solution for your specific problem in your relationship, but the good news is you don’t need it.

The truth is, everybody usually knows the answer to their own question. It’s just harder to realize and implement when you’re the one going through it.

Something I’ve found very helpful is approaching it from the angle of an advice giver.

How many times have you given advice to people, but when you’re in the exact same position, you have no idea what to do?

You know why?

It’s because your head and your heart are battling each other. You know what to do already, but your emotions are giving you a way out and justifying why you did what you did.

Thinking about the situation from a third-party perspective allows you to approach the relationship without emotions or biases. With the information you have about the relationship, you can come up with a solution that will satisfy both parties, instead of protecting their egos.

In conclusion

Our friends are like parents. They’re some of the people who love us the most. They love and care about us so much, that the idea of us being sad or restricted in any way hurts them.

But like parents, what they say may not be necessarily right. They probably don’t have the full picture, and can only give advice based on what we tell them.

They weren’t there when your partner surprised you at the airport. Or when they stayed on FaceTime while you studied the entire night, just to keep you company. They’re not there for all the good times. The fireworks, the adventures, all the little things.

You know who was there? You. And trust me, you’re able to have a healthy relationship and have all the love you deserve. Just keep other peoples’ opinions out.

If you’d like, check out my previous article discussing long distance relationships.

You can also read more of my writing at P.S. I Love You, or on Medium.

Thank you so much for reading.

Love always,

Alex